Listening More

I’ve been thinking lately about how differently I understand helping than I did when I was younger.

When I was younger, I genuinely wanted to help people. I think that desire has always been there. But back then, helping mostly meant giving answers. If someone was struggling, I wanted to tell them what they should do. I thought I could see clearly. I thought I understood things. And because of that, I often approached people with solutions.

As you can imagine, people generally did not enjoy this approach.

The older I get, the more I realize that most people are not looking for someone to solve their lives for them. And honestly, most of us don’t want to be told what to do anyway, especially when we’re vulnerable, uncertain, or hurting.

What people often need is something much quieter. Not answers, but presence.

Someone who can sit with them without immediately trying to fix the experience.

In healing communities, people sometimes call this “holding space,” and I think that phrase can sound a little vague or abstract at first. But I’m beginning to understand it more deeply.

I think what surprised me most is that helping someone often feels like doing less, not more.

Less interrupting.

Less steering.

Less trying to rescue them from their discomfort.

Just staying present long enough that something underneath the noise begins to emerge.

I’m beginning to think clarity emerges naturally when people feel safe enough to actually hear themselves think.

And the more I pay attention, the more I realize this extends far beyond healing work.

It applies to leadership. Friendship. Business. Creativity. Parenting. Teaching. Practically everything.

Even in business, I’ve had to learn this over and over again.

When you start a small business, especially one built around a strong personal vision, it’s very easy to rule with a heavy hand. You know exactly how you want things done. You see the standard clearly. You want everything aligned with your vision.

But if you want to grow something real, eventually you have to let people breathe.

You have to hire good people, trust them, and give them enough space to bring themselves into the work.

That doesn’t mean there’s no structure. There are still meetings, communication, accountability, and alignment. But there’s a difference between creating structure and controlling every movement.

I’ve watched employees become dramatically better teammates, bringing real, helpful, clear, fresh thinking to situations, the moment they stopped feeling watched.

People shrink under too much control.

Not always outwardly.

Sometimes they still perform well.

But something creative disappears.

And I think this applies to almost everything we do with other people.

Trying to climb a corporate ladder. Building relationships. Starting a creative project. Expanding a business. Leading a team. Teaching a class.

Maybe real leadership, real helping, and real connection all have something in common.

Maybe they require less interference than we think.

More listening. More patience. More presence. More trust in what naturally emerges when people are actually given space.

I’m still learning this. But the older I get, the more I think people change naturally when they feel safe enough to fully be themselves in the presence of another person, without someone constantly trying to control them, fix them, or tell them who they should be.

And maybe that’s what so many of us are really searching for.